Jurassic Ghostbusters
by Lord Kristine
Summary: The story nobody wanted.


"Okay folks, if you'll just follow me, we'll enter the Zebil Memorial Wing."

Sarah Kolodinsky (better known as Sarah the Mosasaur Trainer) led a group of tourists into a room that was adorned with various objects related to the deceased blue tiger who in life had been one of the central antagonists of the story that overtook Jurassic Park and Jurassic World. The pelt of said tiger was lying on the floor, as it had been converted into a rug. The group formed a circle around it, taking pictures with their phones.

"As you can see, this artifact had to be sewn back together after Zebil was torn apart by the dragon, Neithhotep. Some say his death was underwhelming, or that it was an insulting way to kill off such an important character. That being said, no one really had a choice in the matter."

One of the tourists laughed.

"That's a load of bull. Can't they just bring him back like all the other popular characters that died?"

Sarah hummed.

"See, that would be a problem, considering his soul is up above. Rarely does anyone return from Elliesium."

"That doesn't seem fair," a kid sneered, "What about us fans? Don't we have any say in who lives and who dies?"

Sarah clenched her teeth, shepherding the group away from the artifact.

"No, I really don't think it's up to you. The story states that Zebil died, and that he's never coming back. Sure, he may get a cameo through flashbacks or fabricated narratives, but in the story proper, there's no way he'll ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever . . ."

As she spoke, the rug began to shift. It lifted itself up with flattened paws, then tumbled forward like a rag doll. As its shadow crossed the floor, there was a horrified silence. Then, the tiger roared.

The room was empty in a matter of seconds.

***GB***

The day was as overcast as a Scottish post card, or real-life London on any given day. The pale sky seemed to suck the green out of Isla Nublar, leaving the jagged peaks underwhelmingly desaturated. On one such mountain was a dragon, though she was not a dragon currently. Rather, she was a somewhat ordinary girl. She gazed at the tropical jungle that grew sparse at the base of the hill, leading into a misty valley. When the wind blew a certain way, she let her backpack slip from her shoulders and kneeled beside it, rummaging through its contents until she found a pole, which seemed much too large to have fit in the bag in the first place. She stuck the rod in the ground firmly, then turned on a beacon, which flashed red every few seconds. With a satisfied nod, she picked up her bag (making sure the zippers were done up in a rather neurotic way) and hiked down the way she had come.

A few minutes later, she braved another mountain, repeating the process when she reached the top. Then, she did the same thing farther South. When six beacons had been activated, she brushed off her hands and hummed.

"That would have gone a lot faster if I had flown to each mountain. Not sure why I didn't think of that earlier."

She changed shape and flew to a castle, which had originally been the Visitors' Center. Once inside, she located the current Queen of the Universe (who happened to be none other than Ellie Sattler) and interrupted her lunch break for the third time that week.

"I'll be brief. There have been ghost sightings all over the island, and I think I've detected a pattern. You need to be my Kristen Wiig, since we're apparently doing Ghostbusters now. You don't have to worry about screwing up, since the bar is set pretty low."

"No, thanks."

The girl bit her lip.

"But why not? You're perfect for the part. I need you."

Ellie batted her away gently.

"Elkay, nothing good ever comes of your story games. People get hurt, whether you mean for it to happen or not. Feel free to ask someone else, but don't count on my support."

Elkay nodded solemnly.

"That's disappointing. I thought this might be a good opportunity to contact Claire. We could do a bit where I make fun of her for being fat because she's a Stegoceratops, and she'd get all mad, so when the climax comes-"

"Don't bother Claire. It's not worth it, especially since we're on bad terms."

"For now."

"Possibly forever."

"Nothing is forever."

Ellie stared into the distance wistfully.

"I hope you're right, but this isn't the time to force reconciliation. If you can deal with these ghosts in a way that doesn't harm anyone, I might consider going through with your schemes more often."

"That's all I ever wanted. Just wait and see: I'll make the best Ghostbusters story ever!"

***GB***

All it took was a jump-cut to prove her wrong. She slammed her hands against an outdoor table, rattling the folded umbrella in its center.

"What do you _mean_ you can't do it?"

Sarah shrugged casually, taking a bite out of her sandwich.

"I gave up my life as a knockoff ghostbuster years ago. That, and I'm pretty sure you only want me because I'm a lesbian."

Elkay glowered immaturely, crossing her arms.

"That's not true! . . . I'd also take you if you were black, but we don't have any black females in this story."

A raptor two tables down waved her paw.

"I'm black."

"You're too young."

"I'm an adult."

"Yeah, but people know you for being a kid character, seeing how that's when you peaked in the narrative."

On the other side of the patio, a hybrid spinosaurid lowered her romance novel.

"I'm black and not known for being a child character."

"Yeah, but you're a dinosaur."

"I'm part human, and I'm more than able to change."

"Can't take you. I don't want half-breeds."

Everyone within earshot gasped in offense. Elkay rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on! I wasn't talking about the race thing! She's a hybrid dinosaur, that's all I'm saying . . ."

"You wanted _Claire_ ," the spinosaurid snorted.

"Because she's pathetic and emotional."

"So am I!" she protested.

"Yeah, but you're _boring_. At least Claire gets angry once in a while!"

"Are you _sure_ this isn't a race issue?"

"Yes! I just don't like hybrids!"

Sarah quirked a brow.

"That's still pretty racist, dude."

Elkay slapped her forehead.

"Look, whether you think I'm racist or not- and I'm definitely not, by the way- I need three more ghostbusters, or this won't work."

Sarah sighed and shook her head.

"I'm sorry. Something about your proposal sits wrong with me. I think you might be doing this because you want to write a story, not because you actually care about saving Isla Nublar."

Elkay rolled her eyes emphatically.

"Well, of _course_ I want to write! It's what I _do_! If someone was willing to help me, maybe I'd be able to pop out something half decent, instead of a rushed mess of a Halloween special!"

"I'll help you."

Elkay jumped. A purple-haired girl had appeared behind her during her little breakdown. Once she had identified the eavesdropper, Elkay rubbed her temples with frustration.

"Raven, I appreciate the offer, but you're not exactly a major character, and you don't fit any of the archetypes required."

"Why not create a new one?"

Elkay made a noncommittal sound.

"Well, I'm not so good with the original ideas. I mean, have you _read_ my personal work? Of course not, because it's so bad I don't publish it."

Sarah hummed.

"This is pretty bad too, and it doesn't seem to bother you any."

Elkay shooed her away.

"Off with you! I don't need you in the scene anymore!"

As Sarah slunk into the cafeteria indignantly, Raven took her place and pulled a magic wand out of her pocket.

"I can do this. With my magic, the ghosts don't stand a chance."

"Technically, they're not ghosts: they're spooky extractions, and I just can't see this working out. We don't exactly have a great dynamic-"

"We're sisters."

"You're adopted. My point is: we've never had a duo story together, so it's not guaranteed to work. Besides, wands are magic, and the point of Ghostbusters is that the supernatural entities are defeated with science, not witchcraft."

Raven pouted.

"But I thought it might be fun . . ."

"My answer is no."

Suddenly, there was a deep moan, and a massive figure descended from the clouds. Elkay's face fell as she recognized the animal.

"Oh my god . . ."

Raven blinked.

"Is that a sperm whale?"

"Yes, but don't call him that. His name is Balenor."

"I thought you said they weren't real ghosts . . ."

"They aren't. Don't be a dick."

"A Moby Dick?"

"Piss off, and while you're at it, go find Ellie. I need her to defeat the extraction."

Raven dashed away as the whale drew near. His eyes glowed orange, and he moved like a dated stop motion effect.

". . . Which is still better than CGI," Elkay remarked, "Or so I'm told, since everyone seems to hate computer effects, when really, it's only bad when it's done lazily."

The whale spat thunder at her.

"Of course, this seems like a bad time to be talking about this."

She leapt up, knocking her chair over, and sprinted across the patio. The dinosaurs scattered as the whale roared, shooting more electricity out of his pointy-toothed mouth. Elkay yelped when she was almost hit, then ducked under a table. After a beat, she slapped her forehead.

"Brilliant. I just took cover under a metal object. I may as well have tied myself to a lightning rod."

As the whale closed in, Elkay skittered out of her hiding place, stood up, and cleared her throat. She raised her hands defensively to reason with the extraction.

"Now, I don't know how much memory you have, considering you're only a shadow of a person . . . whale . . . but I really didn't mean for you to die. For some reason, most of my kids get caught in the crossfire of the narrative, but really, it's their own fault for involving themselves in my story."

She flinched as the whale screeched.

"I'm serious. They come crawling to me like: why didn't you raise us properly? Why did you break up our family? Why did you leave me in a dumpster? All valid questions, I'll admit, but you'd think people would have learned by now that I'm an asshole."

The whale groaned, opening his mouth to swallow her whole.

"That being said, if you need child support-"

Suddenly, a bolt of purple and orange energy shot out from behind her and hit the extraction in the face. The cords of light wrapped around his body like a snake, sucking him into a household vacuum cleaner held by none other than Raven. When he was neutralized, she turned off the device and blew on the nozzle, hoping to look badass. Elkay brushed herself off casually.

"Perfect timing," she mumbled, "I'm way behind on my Section 7, and I can't afford- Hey, didn't I tell you to get Ellie?"

"I wanted to prove myself, so I taped my wand to this vacuum cleaner. It won't be long before the ghosts start multiplying. I already took care of the possessed rug."

"That's a shame."

Raven winced.

"Please don't tell me you were going to sleep with it . . ."

"None of you business. Anyway, what makes you think I'll let you do this when I already said no?"

Raven frowned with determination.

"You already tried to round up your best characters. I'm sure if you had them, you'd come up with some formulaic crap where you crack wise and tell Claire she looks like Slimer-"

"That would have been hilarious."

"-but you failed. Now, all you have is me. I may not possess the most interesting features character-wise, but I sure as hell can save this island. Now, are you going to show me where these ghosts are coming from, or do I have to hunt them down, myself?"

Elkay sighed, looking away sourly. She stood in silence, praying that Raven would reconsider. Then, with a deep breath, she changed into a dragon and grabbed the girl with her tail.

"Let's go."

***GB***

On the way to the center of the ghostly activity, Elkay and Raven defeated many more extractions, including Bernie, Lars Richthofen, Jimmy Fallon, and many more characters that would have made excellent cameos if anybody cared about them in the slightest. With each encounter, their spirits wore down, and they wondered what terrible entity might be behind this dark magic. When they located the source of the extractions, they were nearly paralyzed with fear. Right in the middle of a misty valley was a haunted house, complete with crooked turrets and mangled windows. Elkay landed in front of it, waiting for Raven to dismount. She did not seem too keen to go inside.

"You know, I've seen some pretty scary stuff today, but this is a little too much for me," she quavered.

Elkay gulped.

"Maybe we'd better turn back and let someone else deal with it."

Raven slid down her tail, landing in a valiant pose.

"Are you crazy? If we don't stop whatever's creating these extractions, they'll keep popping up everywhere, putting everyone at risk. Can you really live with that guilt?"

Elkay made an uncertain sound. Raven rolled her eyes and turned on her vacuum.

"Fine. Stay outside if you want, but I'm going in. I made a commitment, and now it's time for me to kick ass."

Elkay grabbed her by the shoulder as she stepped towards the mansion.

"You don't have to be kickass, Raven," she said quietly, "Ghostbusters has never been about the action or the ghost fights. It's about four guys fooling around with technology they can neither control nor master. They're nothing more than plumbers, only instead of unclogging toilets, they capture ghosts. It's a business, just like writing."

"But isn't writing creative?"

"Sure, but some things you do out of obligation."

Raven sighed.

"You may not care about the story, but _I'm_ willing to work for my happy ending."

She yanked herself out of the dragon's grasp and stormed into the rickety building. Elkay bit her beak and wrung her paws guiltily.

"Well, I guess this is the part where I go in and help her save the day, even though I said I wouldn't."

She folded her ears as the house creaked sinisterly.

"Still, it can't hurt to wait a little, seeing how the second act is-"

There was a scream from inside the building. Elkay dashed in like a bolt of lightning. After navigating twisted halls and frightening foyers, she entered a massive library, where a ghostly figure was holding Raven upside-down by the leg. The ghost (and it _was_ a real ghost, this time) dropped her when she saw the dragon coming.

"So, you've finally decided to face your fears."

Elkay snarled.

"Listen, lady: the only thing that scares me are centipedes made of five-colored thread and dishwashers, and I don't think you have any of _those_ lying around . . ."

The specter smiled.

"Perhaps I cannot trigger your phobias, but fear is able to manifest itself in many shapes . . ."

She lifted her arms, and a new extraction materialized. It was a furry, green dragon with antlers and stripes. It spiraled towards Elkay and pinned her against the wall aggressively.

"It's your fault I was murdered!" the extraction roared.

Elkay screamed.

"No! No! Stop it!"

He growled and leaned closer.

"I died thinking you hated me."

She tried to push him away, but her movement lacked any kind of drive.

"You think you're miserable because the world treated you poorly, but you're just a bad person!"

During this exchange, Raven had climbed over a fallen bookcase with her vacuum in hand. She raised it nobly and pointed it at the old woman.

"HEY!"

The ghost sneered as she turned to face her attacker. Raven stared her down, then dropped her weapon with deliberation. Elkay's eyes went wide.

"Are you cr-"

Raven held up a finger to silence her, keeping her eyes on the ghost.

"I'm not going to fight you. I'm just here to talk. Tell me why you're doing this to us."

There was a pause. Elkay braced herself, waiting for Raven to get her face torn off, but instead, the ghost broke down in tears.

"Nobody thinks I'm scary anymore! I got kicked out of Transylvania by a stupid vampire, and when I moved here, nobody cared about me! They just wanted to get away from the killer dinosaurs!"

She sobbed noisily, soaking the floor with ghostly tears. Raven walked up to her and patted her shoulder.

"It's okay. Nobody's gonna think less of you because you can't scare them. Plenty of ghosts are friendly."

Elkay nodded, now free from the extraction-dragon.

"Just ask my grandson. He's not scary in the slightest, though he'll be pretty pissed that he didn't get a cameo in this story . . ."

Raven smiled.

"Right. Besides, it's better to have people _like_ you than be afraid of you. If you go around resurrecting the dead, it's gonna turn people off."

The ghost sniffled.

"But I can't make friends like this! I only walk the Earth when the planets are aligned properly . . ."

"We can fix that," Elkay assured her, "Nobody's lived in this area since I reabsorbed the Troödon, so I'm sure we could allow you to reside in this valley permanently. You seem to have some magical talent, which always comes in handy."

The ghost wiped her cheek with her sleeve.

"That's because I used to be a witch, until they burned me at the stake."

Raven's eyes sparkled.

"I'm a witch too! You can teach me how to do magic!"

"I'd be glad to, Miss-"

"Raven. And you are?"

"Madame Mongier."

Elkay grinned.

"Cool. Does this mean we're all good?"

The ghost nodded with regret.

"I'm sorry for causing such a kerfuffle. It's awful lonely, being a ghost."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore," Raven asserted, "And if you're okay with staying here, I think we have our happy ending."

The two of them shared a hug, and Elkay joined in shortly after.

With the conflict resolved, the dragon and her adopted witch-sister marched out of the haunted mansion with cheerful smiles (and a broken vacuum cleaner). As they waded through the mist that now only reached their waists, they were pleased to find that the clouds had parted, leaving the island bright and colorful.

"This is, like, the perfect happy ending weather," Raven remarked.

"I agree," Elkay replied, "But there's still one thing I don't understand: why did you suddenly decide to talk to Madame Mongier instead of shooting protons in her face?"

Raven gave a sardonic smile.

"Well, I guess it had something to do with the fact that you lectured me on how kickassery isn't the way to defeat ghosts . . . and I kind of believed you."

Elkay raised her eyebrows.

"Wow. I can't remember the last time someone followed my advice."

"Well, that's what sisters do."

Elkay blinked.

"But it's not, really. The only thing sisters do is get birthed out the same kooch, and since you're adopted . . ."

When Raven shot her a foul look, she sighed.

"Well, okay. I guess we can say that sisters listen to each other, if only to force a resolution."

"And that's perfectly fine by me."

 **Happy Halloween!**


End file.
